I hit a corner. Not a roadblock, but a corner. A three-sided corner...which isn't really a corner, I suppose, but bear with me - that's not the point.
On one side, I was blocked with our eldest leaving the nest because that brought up all 10,000 abandonment/attachment/somesortofoddity issues that I have, and I was falling apart inside.
On another side, there was that gunk that came up a few times over the past year and to which I finally said, ENOUGH! in a very assertive, non-missionary-kid-like way.
And on one side, there was that I can't please everyone, so I stopped trying to please anyone. Which didn't please everyone. Not even me.
And so. I left the blog alone for most of a year, visiting only to copy/paste an old post when the guilt was too much.
This month, after a Summer of healing, and after the college kid left home and I actually survived (!), I woke up one day and decided that since it was going to die anyway, I had nothing to lose in making the other blog mine.
I'm redesigning it how I would like it to look, without a concern over what the experts say it should look like. I'm writing it how I want to write it, without concern if I'm offending the very conservative or the very secular, both of whom like to tell me that something I highlight isn't what they'd like to see, and then they threaten to unsubscribe.
I used to go, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, I want to do it just right for you."
And now I'll go, "So," but not in a you-don't-matter way, but in an I-will-be-a-loyal-bestfriend-to-me way.
Want to know what's funny? Not ha-ha funny, but odd-funny...
By making the other blog mine, it's becoming fun to blog there again. I'm excited about things again. I'm mostly happy that I can help people walk through the trails I've cleared of tangled brush (also known as "you learning from my mistakes").
And even crazier, my ad revenue is up and my numbers are up and I'm all whaaaaat?! Isn't that cool? Through all of this, I remembered something:
When we're authentic, we're unique...and when we're unique, we're magnetic.
p.s. I'm closing comments on this blog for a time. It's not you - it's me. I need to have no editors in my head for a while, so I can get back to finding myself again. Sometimes, we must have silence in order to hear our own voice.
My teen began lettering onto paper this Summer, and her interest sparked my own again. I used to sit bored in class, writing the alphabet and my name and future baby names (Brenden Schaad and Brittany Annelie - both partially used on future babies, and Savannah - not used at all).
Lettering is easy because any scrawl is art. I like to write the alphabet in caps and in lowercase in different fonts that I think up. If I like a font, I combine letters to make simple words like "no" and "home", to connect the font and see how it looks. Then I write full quotes or phrases.
Honestly, it is easy. It will look wonderful. And you'll feel more relaxed because of it. Try!
It's a good morning when it begins with coffee, wool, a book, and a kid nearby to hear a passage read aloud.
From the passage: "You can only make one person - you - the most wondrous, the most remarkable, the most open, the most beautiful, the most creative person in the world. Not to store it away, but to give it away because you can only give to others what you have. If I do anything for me, I do it for you."
I'm pretty much a wreck lately. I'm trying not to be, and sometimes I'm not, and usually I don't look like I am...but I'm pretty much a wreck.
In 1995 he stole my heart. Then in 1997, she taught me that you don't split love in half when you have a second child - you double it. In 2000, he stole my heart by being the surprise baby only God knew we needed. And in 2003, she proved that love can quadruple.
Now, it's time for the big one, the 1995 kid, to head off to college nearly 200 miles from home and I'm all kinds of
wow, this is exciting
no, it's really not
it'll be fun! care packages!
I'll miss our random conversations
I'm so happy for him
he's God's kid, not mine
hang on, I have something in my eye
It's just that all I ever really wanted, since my Barbie Doll days, is this, this beautiful family and their beautiful childhood.
I really do want his childhood to end because I really do want him to chase his dreams; I really can't wait to see what he does with his super smart brain and super good looks and I really do want to meet my future daughter-in-law...
....but, darnitall, I'm going to miss my boy.
I already miss the 1995 baby, the 1998 toddler, the 2005 Kindergartner and the 2008 young teen. Now I'll miss the 2014 graduate.
If you'd like to use any of the photos and writings on the site, I'm blushing. I'd love an email first if you don't mind: firstname.lastname@example.org. This website's content is copyright protected, but I'm not stingy, so please ask away!